My first time out

I wrote the post below this first... just a disclaimer in case things seem out of order.

A few months ago, I was dressed during the day... at home... as usual. On a whim, I decided to go out dressed. I chose a very understated outfit. Black slacks, pink cami under a fitted white collared shirt, and low heeled black boots. I loaded my only purse (one my fiancee had thrown away a long time ago) with lipstick, powder, my cel phone, credit card, and driver's license. I also had my emergency change bag ready to go. It took about 15-20 minutes to get up the nerve to walk out the door, but when I finally did it was like a surge of energy.

I walked to my car, feeling controlled but probably looking hurried. As I got in, I was greeted by feelings of relief and excitement at the same time. Relief that I'd made it as far as my car, and excitement because I knew that I now had the whole world available to me. The last time I felt this excited to drive was probably when I first got my driver's license and stopped buying bus passes. I had decided to go to San Leandro's Bayfair mall area, which is about 15 minutes from where I live. Enough time to get used to being in the car driving as Erin, but close enough to home that should anything happen I can just shoot home.

The first place I went to was the bank. I went to my bank's ATM, but there was a long line, and a less than friendly looking security guard. So off to another bank I went. The nerves of parking and actually getting out of the car were so strong that I had to pause for a second to calm down. I'm sure my face was turning red and that's exactly what makeup is supposed to cover. After getting to the ATM and back with my cash, I started to think I was getting the hang of it. As I pulled out, a guy pulled up next to me and asked me to roll my window down. He asked if I wanted to sell my car. I just shook my head and quietly said no thanks (I had not yet begun practicing any kind of femme voice). He must have not known I was a guy, because after he heard my voice he had a very puzzled look on his face, and drove away. I realized that a decent femme voice is a must if I'm going to talk to people.

I shook that off and went to Payless shoes down the street. As I walked in the SA greeted me, and I headed straight to the large women and crossdresser's section. As I tried on a pair of patent heels, another employee walked by and offered to help me if I needed to find anything else. It felt so good to be in there trying on shoes, I knew I wouldn't regret being out. I bought two pairs of shoes and headed to Ross. At Ross I got a nod from the security guard as I walked in. No smile, but also no judgment. I for the first time ever, was able to try on whatever I wanted to, so I tried on three dresses. None of them fit, and I was getting hot from rushing trying to change, so I just left the dresses and headed for home.

As I drove home I felt like another giant hurdle had been overcome, and that I'd accomplished something that I'd been wanting to do for a long time. I also knew I would probably want to accomplish it over and over again.

Such a great first experience, I really wanted to go home and share it with my best friend, who happens to be my fiancee. Maybe someday we'll be at a point where she can appreciate some of the things that I enjoy so much (cars, video games, and of course, crossdressing). My next experience going out was even better, and I may write about it in another post

On going out

It's been a while since I've written. So much going on, and there never seems to be any time to update.

My fiancee and I rarely get a chance to talk about dressing these days, partially because we're so busy, and partially because I haven't had the courage to talk to her about what's on my mind. Maybe she will find my thoughts here before I can muster up that courage.

The issue of me going out dressed has been brought up before, on and off, for a while now. On one occasion she came back from a trip she'd taken and when she came back a little early, heard the clicking of heels on the pavement around the corner from our home. She thought it might have been me, dressed and walking around the neighborhood, assuming I still had time before she got back. Well it wasn't me. In fact, I was at home playing video games (I think). On another occasion, I asked her about my going out, and she answered to the effect that I might as well, since I do what I want anyway. I thought that was pretty uncool, especially since I have been trying very hard to be open and honest with her. Anyway, I have been under the impression that she assumes I've been going out dressed all along. What she doesn't know is how much anxiety is involved with going out dressed as a woman, not only when you aren't born one, but when you are taller than most men.

I have been out twice dressed during the daytime. And it was exhilarating.

Once I get around to telling her about it, I'm hoping to have a conversation about me going out dressed with my sister (biological). She's dying to go out shopping with me dressed!

I will write the details of my first time going out dressed in another blog to follow, just to keep this post manageable. I'd like to talk about the things I've noticed so far about going out dressed. Hopefully this may help a few girls out there. I am in no way an expert, but there's a few things that I've read about that seem to help with going out. Thought I'd share about my experiences so far.

First thing I learned, before even considering going out dressed, is safety first. I have brought with me (both times out dressed) an emergency bag. Just in case a quick change is required, I packed a duffel with a pair of pants, tshirt, flip-flops, and a bag of makeup removing cloths. This not only takes little or no extra effort, it's also a kind of security blanket. Next time I may put the bag in my car ahead of time, so that I don't have to lug it around while fumbling with the purse and keys. Also plan where to go, and how to get back. I live in the East Bay, and know of certain places I should stay away from while dressed. Living in a densely populated area, I also plan how to get back (where to park, which route to walk from where I park)

Second thing I learned is that less makeup is better than too much. While I was driving around, I looked in the rear view mirror to both check and admire how I'd done my eyes. When I got to the first place I would be walking around, I felt like only women in catalogs and makeup commercials wore makeup like that. I had club makeup on! Second time out, I still overdid the eyeliner a bit, but everything else was toned down a bit. I felt a little less self conscious. Most women seem to use makeup sparingly, to smooth and even out the skin, and highlight, not create features.

Third thing I have learned is that whether people knew I was a guy or not, people for the most part were too busy doing what they were doing to recognize me. Even though I might have been over 6' tall in a dress and heels standing next to them. As a guy, I'm always observing people already, and when dressed I found myself looking around a little less, but not hiding or averting my eyes from anyone. Sales people, security guards, other shoppers, etc. have all smiled at me when I smiled at them first. Of course I'm not saying to go out carefree and not be aware of the surroundings, but after the planning and execution had been done, I naturally began to relax and enjoy what I was doing.

Will write more about the subject later, for now I'm going out for a walk!

Wedges

Old post from January, I think... kind of a fun one to write

I just got back from New York with my fiancee, and the weather was in the 20-30 degree range. Still, when we walked by the little boutiques in SoHo and East Village neighborhoods, there were dresses in the window, and lots of shoes on the mannequins. While I was walking in the freezing cold, I noticed a pair of wedge sandals that I've seen before, but never really liked. For some reason when I saw them I decided I wanted them, but always in the back of my mind is how much I do like wedges, but how big they make my feet look. Granted I am a guy, and we're supposed to have big feet, but the look we try to pull off when crossdressing is smaller feet. I own two pairs of wedge sandals, and when I wear them I feel I should have been charged double for all the extra material used to fill in the space between my heel and toe.

Smokin'

I quit smoking again, which is good for my health, but bad for dressing. I heard that when you quit, the nicotine no longer suppresses the appetite. I've been eating everything in sight!
Coincidentally, someone stole all my clothes and replaced them with the same clothes only 2 sizes smaller

Crossdressing for free

My desires to crossdress are usually accompanied by urges to go shopping. Whether online, or out to a brick-and-mortar, I'm always looking to buy and wear something new. I have read on a forum that there are two very common traits crossdressers share. It was said that one is abnormally high intelligence, and the other is a propensity for collecting. Of interest in this blog is the tendencies to stockpile things... any things... makeup, baseball cards, car parts, women's shoes, DVD movies, junk... the list goes on. If this trend is true, then one thing that goes against the crossdresser's nature, but is everpresent in this lifestyle is purging. I'm so glad I've only purged once.

Purging, for anyone who does not know, is the discarding, or throwing away of one's CD wardrobe. The one time I did it, it was out of guilt, and from feelings that CDing was destroying my relationship with my girlfriend. I drove to a few different locations in the town where I lived where I knew there were dumpsters, and being paranoid about throwing away boxes of women's clothing, threw away only a couple boxes at a time. When I came to my senses and realized that I really didn't want to get rid of it all, it was too late, most of my stuff was in dumpsters scattered about the city. Except for a few that survived because I'd planned to throw them away in my own garbage can. I was sure at that point I would never purge again.

As most are experiencing financially tough times, so suffers the growth of my wardrobe. It's just as well, I have run out of room in my closet anyway. The majority of my wardrobe is stored about 20 minutes away from where I live, and usually all I keep is in a gym bag in the trunk of my car. Periodically I will visit the storage spot to change out clothes to suit the season, the weather, or my mood. Today I went there not to change out for other clothes, but to add to what I already had. That's when I thought about how thankful I am for not having purged again, and that I have a decent wardrobe with enough outfits to not to have to go out shopping for what I felt like wearing. It's cold here in the Bay Area, and I wanted to wear more pants and sweaters. This time, I didn't have to go to a store to buy what I felt like wearing (although I was sad not to satisfy my thirst for collecting), and at least for this trip to storage, didn't have to stop at the mall or any other shops on the way home. At least for this trip, I was able to crossdress for free.

On Femininity

I've read many posts on forums about the ultimate femme feeling. There are so many different takes on what ultimately helps a man feel like a woman, including being dressed all day going out shopping, getting spa treatments with manicure and pedicures, dating or having sexual relations with a man, even being called miss, ms. or having a door held open for you.


But here's my twist on the ultimate feminine experience: Be a woman when it's not convenient to be a woman. Wear a clingy dress when you feel fat, high heels when your feet hurt from the day before, makeup even though your face broke out or you couldn't hide your facial hair just right, put on the wig even though it's 95 degrees in the shade.

Essentially do the feminine things we love when you don't love them so much.


It is so convenient for us, to be able to shed our skins so easily that we take for granted that WE are the lucky ones. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I feel lucky.

Honesty

It can be hard to tell things directly to one's SO concerning this CD life of ours. Sometimes they want to hear it but only in controlled doses. Sometimes they need to hear it but can't stand to hear it. Sometimes it's just not the right time. I hope that my SO will find this and continue to read my writings, it's the best way to tell her things when she wants to know them.